Mystery

I went to the dentist recently to get some fillings. Anticipating that I would continue the recent pattern of exhibiting extreme anxiety over hypodermic needles, I called the office and asked what they had in the way of alleviation of such an issue. They mentioned a topical anesthetic and nitrous oxide, aka laughing gas. I had never tried it before, so I read up on the matter and was placated with the information I learned. When I went to my appointment, which ended up starting an hour after the scheduled time, I came and laid myself on the seat, feeling decently calm (I had gone over the process many times in my head while reminding myself that there was nothing about any part of the process that should produce a fearful response). They administered the topical anesthetic and then gave me a gas mask which I placed over my nose. Interjection: I had a slight fear of this gas, which was similar and different to my fear of needles. I believe the similarity was that a sort of generalization may have taken place between the two conditioned stimuli, needles and sedation, resulting in a shared intrinsic fear. The difference is that I was pretty certain that the syringe contained only novocaine, and only enough to suit the current purposes, whereas the gas was a mysterious unknown, except for the understanding that there was a chance of being over-sedated or suffocating. So, ironically, I was vastly more fearful of the less threatening action than I was of the more threatening one. To continue: I began to breathe through the mask. After about 5 minutes I began to recognize some of the effects I had read about: "tingly", "floaty" feeling, loss of pain sensitivity, and a general feeling of slipping awareness, similar to the effects I had experienced with an anti-anxiety medication for previous injections. Soon I felt that my state of mind was so that I would be unfocused enough on outside events that I would not fear an injection. I was happy about this, and surprised that I could still think clearly but somehow be disconnected with conscious awareness of my physical surroundings. Then, after a few more minutes, I began to feel as if I was suffocating, or that I was not getting enough oxygen. I told the dental assistant this and she mentioned it to the dentist. A few minutes later I noticed very acutely a regression of my mental state back towards normality. I still had a feathery sensation in my legs and arms and a slight feeling of light-headed-ness, but I was just as alert and focused as I had been before the sedation. During this time of regression I became slightly more nervous (due both to my loss of desired mental state and the fear of suffocation) and began to breath deeply and quickly, and the dentist had me perform slow-breathing exercises so that I would not hyperventilate, which apparently I was in danger of doing at the time. When my breathing became stable the dentist and his assistant began discussing the procedure. Then they asked me to open my mouth widely. I thought, certainly this isn't for the injection, thinking that they would first bring the level of nitrous oxide again (i would suppose not to the same level, although I am not sure if any lower level would produce the desired effect). So, to make sure, I asked them if they were presently going to perform the injection, to which they answered in the affirmative. At this point something happened in my mind that I call a mystery, hence the name of the post. There was no argument between two sets of logic. There was nothing except to open or not to open, which meant to receive the hypodermic needle or not to. The mystery is that I had less motivation to receive the needle than I did to reject it. The source of that motivation to reject is a complete mystery to me. But it is far more powerful motivation than anything I've experienced. Kind of like the motivation to reject jumping off a cliff into a pit of fire... you just won't do it willingly. Except with my problem there's not apparent reasoning for it. So I told them I couldn't do it. A return appointment has been made with a different strategy, which will hopefully work, or else it may appear as my next blog post. Anyway that is all about my current post.